Thai green curry, thanks Renee!

Storyline: Thinking in Autumn Colours 

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I’ve been fed. So has Alex, just in a very different way.

September 18

Today, after almost 2 weeks I finally had real food. I haven’t been eating well since Alex was admitted to hospital. Chips and beer or frozen fruits and wine which I called sangria, nuts and chocolates that are flying around. Some canned food, anything I could find in the house. So having a real meal, cooked by my neighbour, was absolutely fantastic.

I haven’t been in the mood for anything. No grocery shopping. I don’t have desire or energy to cook just for me. Since I remember myself, I had never cooked for one. If Alex’s condition doesn’t improve it’ll be a hard adjustment.

The morning of Sept 6 was chillingly frightening. Driving down Leslie St., Alex choking and gasping for air, was scary. A fugitive thought flashes through my mind – I’ll never see him again the same as he was just a couple of weeks ago.

Next morning, I ran to the hospital. He was still in emergency because there were no beds available. It’d be 2 days before they would admit him into isolation (Covid protocols, although his 3 Covid tests in 8 days were all negative). Not bad since he had his own room for a while.

The day I left Alex in emergency (for the 3^rd time in a week), I was plainly exhausted. I walked in and locked the door. Silence! Never been alone in this house. Moving around makes me hurt. It is horrifyingly big and desolate. And soundless! I stare through our big windows. The garden that I enjoyed so much every day is an unsurmountable task to even to think of. For days after I won’t go outside in the back yard.

In the evening I attempt to sleep. Or just close my eyes. The bed is humongous and awfully empty. All kinds of thoughts litter my mind. We’ve talked before. About a year and a half ago when the GP broke the CLL news. He then wanted to go though all the stuff I have to know in case he departs before me, or much sooner than the doctor expects. Things we have to do before it’s too late. But we have time, I insisted then. We have at least 10 if not 20 good years. It was just a small blip, I convinced myself. “Do you want to deal with the house without me?” he asked. The house? It’s an echo from afar. This is OUR house! We put our hearts and brain, muscles and sweat, our love, our energy and spare time, our imagination to make it ours! I know the time will come sooner or later, but I just can’t imagine leaving it. No, not yet. We have time. Later.

Is this “later” knocking at the door? Is it the time to face up to it? It is my first taste of being alone in an empty house? I don’t like it.

If you remember, I left Alex in the emergency department of NYG Hospital in the afternoon of August 30^th. That evening they sent back him home. Blood work and X-ray clear. Not Covid, but probably another virus they said. Just wait until it passes. It didn’t. I drove him back to emergency with severe cough and lots of phlegm on Sept 4. Again, sent back home. All tests were good.

And then the horror movie began to roll. Slowly! Next day he could not get anything in. No food, no water. Nothing could pass through his throat. In the morning of Sept 6^th he coughs, holds his throat and with a scared look points to the door. “Emergency?” I ask. Ne nods, unable to get a word out. I jump into the car and there we go again.  Because of Covid protocols I can’t be with him. We use our phones to text each other, the only way to communicate when I am not visiting. This time he was admitted to hospital and an IV kept him hydrated for the first week. I was able to visit him in emergency, in isolation and every day after that. Usually twice a day. Sept 8 they finally do endoscopy. Nothing wrong with esophagus or stomach. Sept 9 – seen by Ear/Nose/Throat specialist. Finally, a diagnosis. Paralyzed left vocal cord. But why? Now the elimination process begins. CT, another CT, MRI, another X-ray, blood tests daily…  Nothing found.

The list of possible reasons is getting shorter and shorter.  How do you treat the issue if you don’t know the cause? In the meantime, he has been on IV for over a week, a limit after which one has to be fed somehow. A feeding tube goes in through his nose.

It’ll take until Sept 22 to finally know the reason. But for this later.  So, as I enjoy Renee’s Thai curry, Alex has been fed via a tube. Not curry of course. (But I can imagine it to be anything I want it to be – A)

We have great and very supportive neighbours. Renee offered to cook something and bring it to me. I was hesitant at the beginning, but after all it was impossible for me to cook. The unknown monster took it all.

I told her that I wouldn’t mind some of her curries. And there. She brought me Thai green curry with eggplant and Malaysian chicken curry with lots of veggies too.  Five containers of food. One is good for two meals. I froze most of them. My next week is all set.  Thanks Renee!